Yesterday, Part 1 of my story ended with me waking up in tears. It was so difficult just getting out of bed. Eventually, I managed to get an emergency appointment with my doctor who immediately diagnosed Depression.

She suggested a complete break from work for at least three months! – Three months! How could I justify that!?

So she initially signed me off for two weeks, then another two. On the third visit, I was finally able to accept that a long absence was necessary. I was eventually off for 3 months before returning to work part-time.

I have been asked many times about how my Depression felt. The best way I can explain it is – to imagine the most tedious thing you do in your life, the one thing that, if you could stop doing it, would instantly make your life better. Now transfer that feeling to everything that you enjoy.

Now add in the feelings of profound sadness; panic attacks and a sense of guilt and failure (why can other people manage the stress and not me?). Add the fear of not knowing how to cope and you are getting close to realising how debilitating my Depression was. 

There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, and others where success was getting up, sitting on the sofa and watching daytime TV. I felt so worthless, I was lost.

There are other feelings that are typical of Depression, that I didn’t suffer from, such as a complete disassociation from other people or an inability to carry out even the most basic daily tasks – so, in a way, I was lucky. 

I have to say that this is my personal experience, other people will have similar experiences, and others will be different. I have a friend and colleague who describes his depression as, like a black hole that sucks all emotion from him, it’s not just that he couldn’t feel happiness – he felt nothing. No Joy, no sadness, no anger, no passion – he described it as being like a lump of soulless meat, just existing. He got better too.

A story of this type would not be complete if I didn’t talk about suicide. 

Did I think about suicide? – Yes. 

Was I suicidal? – No. 

I thought about ways to take my own life numerous times, every day. I would picture my death and imagine the relief. My suffering would end. Thankfully, I would also think about the impact my death would have on my family. I couldn’t put them through that. Eventually, I began to realise that life was worth living, I would get better and I had to keep going.

My wife was a constant support throughout this illness – she struggled every day too. It took her a while to realise she couldn’t ‘fix’ me. It was hard-won knowledge, but she eventually learned that some days I needed to be persuaded to engage with life, some days I needed to be bullied into it, but sometimes I just needed to be left alone. It is a skill she still uses today.

I know many people don’t like the idea of antidepressants, but for me, they helped get me on the first rung to recovery. But that is tomorrow’s story.

I have told my story to audiences of between 10 and 150 people across many industries. If you want to know more about the services we offer please contact me at gleridgway@workplacewellbeingacademy.com